Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.
David LettermanI don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.
David LettermanThe Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, 'If this van's rockin', I'm deleting emails.'
David LettermanPolitical pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.
David Letterman