You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.

President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'

You know who's upset now with ISIS? Al Qaeda. It's because ISIS is getting more attention than Al Qaeda. So now, Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.

Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.

Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.

Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.

Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China - oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum.