You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.

Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America.

But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!'

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'