United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.

This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care.

I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.

Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league when he landed his gyrocopter on the White House lawn.

It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?