I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.

Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.

Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?

Tomorrow is Election Day. It's what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It's the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote.

I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China - oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum.