I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.

It is cold down in Washington, DC. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold.

John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.

Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.

I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.

The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.

I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame.