Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.

Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.

Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.

After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.

How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal.

Hillary Clinton could use one of these Apple Watches. She could hook it up to her secret email account. If you want to contact Hillary, she's at hillary@pantsuit.com.

Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern.