Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.

President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be Bush's first uncontested victory.

Let's have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money.

President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again.

Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?