Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.

President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.

Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.

Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'

We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton.

Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It's the same thing that is happening to Hillary.