Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.

A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They dressed up as women and went across the border into Pakistan. I think they're going to make a movie about it. They're going to call it 'Some like it Jihad.'

This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.

The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It's being called 'Operation Approval Ratings.'

We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton.