Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.

Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.

The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats.

I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.