Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.

You know who's also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That's a real good idea -- a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed.

They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one.

I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.

Do good things for other people.

Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.

I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I'd consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That's enough. I've had my fun and I'm glad I quit.