Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It's full of Hillary Clinton emails.

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.

I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.

You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It's bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They're laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain.

You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.

Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?