I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.

Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.

Every day we learn more and more about this wacky Osama bin Laden. He lives in a cave and at one time he was a womanizer. But now he has settled down with his five wives and 26 kids, so that's now all over. ... He also had a drinking problem at one time. I believe he went through 'Jihab'

President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn't work, by God, they're going to send Seth Rogen and James Franco.