Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.

Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.

The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.'

Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It's the same thing that is happening to Hillary.

Let's have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money.

I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.

Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off.