Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night.

President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.'

I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing.

It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.