I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.

It wasn't a cutdown to call someone a Mexican. It would kill my career to refer to someone as Mexican today. It's like calling me an American.

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, "Hey, did I leave a penny over there?"

I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.

On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.