David Spade Quotes

I'm scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

I can see getting married and having a family, because it is the next thing on the agenda. You can only do this for so long. I'm old, and my friends all have kids. And I'm single, still blow drying my hair!

Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.

Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, "That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible."

To be famous and broke is hard.

I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.

With Saturday Night Live you're looking for any hook, any way to stay on the show.

The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, "Hey, did I leave a penny over there?"

There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.

Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to know the country's language. But just some shapes, that's all. A square. A little geometry.

I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.

I've got people who like Tommy Boy, but they're getting older and there's a whole new wave of college kids who see that and Joe Dirt, and Just Shoot Me is a little older, so I wanted stuff for everybody.

I have no detectable hair style.

Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise.

How do you lay low but still do your job? Try to stay out there without being out there like Jenny McCarthy?

People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.

I'm still blow drying my hair, just trying to keep doing stuff that's fun.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends who you don't care enough about to actually have a conversation with, why bother calling to say "how are you," when you can just surf their page and post an mpeg of a guy farting on his cat.

Bill Murray I always liked. I'm not as good as him, but there's a quality in him that I like. And then there's DeNiro, I'll never be that.

It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.

I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.

When I'm interviewed on Leno, just be funny, period. That's all they want from me. I don't want to tell my life story.

On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.

Single guys get a bad rap.

I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good.

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

It's funny because it's funny.

It's good to do stand-up. It kind of wakes you up and makes you feel like you're doing something. You got the crowd right there. That's all fun.

I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.

My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.

Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.

My school of thought is, anything goes, but I can't do that anymore.

Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.

I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.

I changed my act because I wasn't getting booked.

It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.

To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.

It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.

Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!

You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!

It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.

I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

It wasn't a cutdown to call someone a Mexican. It would kill my career to refer to someone as Mexican today. It's like calling me an American.