Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.

I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.

It's good to do stand-up. It kind of wakes you up and makes you feel like you're doing something. You got the crowd right there. That's all fun.

Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.

If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting.

I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.