It's funny because it's funny.

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, "Hey, did I leave a penny over there?"

I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.

Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to know the country's language. But just some shapes, that's all. A square. A little geometry.

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.