MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends who you don't care enough about to actually have a conversation with, why bother calling to say "how are you," when you can just surf their page and post an mpeg of a guy farting on his cat.

The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, "Hey, did I leave a penny over there?"

It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.

Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, "That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible."

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.

It's so crazy in Hollywood.

Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise.