I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant.'

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Johnny Carson is a comedian who is seen every night in millions of bedrooms all over America...and that's why his last wife left him.

Haven't got a girl, but I can wish. So I'll take me down to Main Street and that's where I'll select my imaginary dish.

I know it's the gentlemanly thing to let the wife file. But, then, everybody knows I'm no gentleman.

There's a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks better than he does.

The reason I drink is because when I'm sober I think I'm Eddie Fisher.