REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.