I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.