Demetri Martin Quotes

When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.

I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?

I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely.

I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I do think about the specific people in the audience, how it's hard for them to get up and go to the bathroom, how they chose not to do other things that night and have turned off their phones and everything. So for that reason, I think it's necessary to mix it up and talk to the audience.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.

The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'

They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

To me, comedy is a game.

I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it; it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, "Cool, that one works".

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed

When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.

Love is, and I hope it never isn't.

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?