If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.