If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.