If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.