Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.

If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.