I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'

I love Steven Wright.

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.