It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you

When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.

You need an audience to help you figure out what's working and what's worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what's worth touring with.