It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live."

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.