I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.