I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

I travel alone so much, and the first thought is to grab the damn phone. In airports, just look around. Nobody looks at anybody, or even out the window. It's obvious we can't live without it anymore, and as a comic on the road the phone is an essential tool. It's probably doing more good than bad for me, but it does make me sad that those of us who grew up without mobile phones, we know what we're missing.

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.