I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

I've never read an article of clothing.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.