I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to be some guy who was doing my page and he would say that he was my cousin and I was going to be doing projects with him. I don't know who this person is and I don't have a cousin by this name and this person keeps saying that they're doing projects with me. It's so weird.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.