I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill"

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.