I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to be some guy who was doing my page and he would say that he was my cousin and I was going to be doing projects with him. I don't know who this person is and I don't have a cousin by this name and this person keeps saying that they're doing projects with me. It's so weird.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.