I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.