I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.