There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'