I've never read an article of clothing.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.