I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.