I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

There is no I in Team, unless you count the vertical part of the T.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.