The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.

For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.