The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.

I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.