To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.

There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.

You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity; for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.