I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.