I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.