I travel alone so much, and the first thought is to grab the damn phone. In airports, just look around. Nobody looks at anybody, or even out the window. It's obvious we can't live without it anymore, and as a comic on the road the phone is an essential tool. It's probably doing more good than bad for me, but it does make me sad that those of us who grew up without mobile phones, we know what we're missing.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.