I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.

Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.