I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.