When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.