When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

Clowns have no respect for pie.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, "Cool, that one works".

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.