Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.