Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things you can say, "Can I yo-yo? Can I juggle?" Usually you have a pretty small window in which to get your answer. Stand-up is different. You can't do stand-up for one night and say, "Am I a funny stand-up comedian?" In two months or two years you'll start to realize it.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity; for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.