My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.

When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'

Clowns have no respect for pie.