I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.