Once I started to look i finally began to see.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my house. I think about it and I'm like, I don't know how I climbed out of there.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.