My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed