My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.

I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.