I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.