I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.