When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.
At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.
The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!