My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.

Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.