I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.

I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.