I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.

They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.