I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.