Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.

When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.