I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.

When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed... But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. Before that, I never realized how much I sought other people's approval. Once I figured that out, I was free to move on and seek the approval of other people, in comedy clubs and showbiz meetings.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.