I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.