I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.

Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.