I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.

Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.

When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'