You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity; for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.

I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.